10 things that YOU can do to save your marriage!
With approximately 45% of marriages ending in divorce within the first 8 years, it is vital to work on your marriage and yourself every single day.
Anything of value and substance takes effort to build & maintain…marriage is no exception. Work on your marriage like you would any other goal in your life. A happy marriage doesn’t survive by luck; it takes great effort.
Do you find yourself in a marriage that is struggling, stagnant or on the verge of failing?
Do you have a partner that you cannot seem to communicate marital issues with or that refuses to work on “anything” with you?
Have you tried counselling or will your husband just not participate?
If you find yourself in a situation that you didn’t expect when you said “I Do” many years ago or you are not sure how to move forward repairing the marriage, then I have some tips for you that I hope will make an impact on your marriage or at the very least help you find refuge in a stress filled situation.
Before we get into the marriage tips there are a few “questions” to go over first:
How do you save your marriage when one partner won’t put in the work?
Marriage is a 50/50 relationship, so you will be focusing and working on improving your 50% stake in the marriage. Improvement guaranteed.
As stated in the title, all of the following tips to save your marriage will focus on you.
There is no effort required from your husband at this point. You will work on building yourself up by being a better & stronger version of yourself & the wife you wish to be.
Self development and growth will improve all areas of your life, including your marriage.
“Why should I do all the work? He is the problem”…
The second point to remember when working through this list is that we are banking on the Law of Reciprocity.
The Law of Reciprocity refers to a social phenomenon when people feel obliged to give back to someone who gave them something.
This law is present in all sorts of situations, including personal relationships like a marriage. The hope is your husband will see all the improvements you have made and the efforts that you have put in and improve his share of the responsibility.
Think of a time that you have complimented your husband or went out of your way to do something nice for him….hopefully he noticed and put more effort in and repaid your compliment.
You can do a little test that is as simple as saying I love you…if he says it back he is open to reciprocity. If not, then just keep going with all the tips anyways…he may need a harder slap up side the head to get what is going on here. Sometimes the obvious needs to be a little louder for some.
Throughout this process you will gain personal fulfilment, growth, confidence, your marriage will improve and you can apply these principles to other relationships & areas of your life.
You will be amazed at how these changes will transform your life. You are going to notice that almost all of the tips are directed at what you can do…you can’t change a person or force changes in them.
The best way to improve your relationship is to make all of your own improvements and then you are half way to a great marriage. This does not indicate that the issues are your fault or all your responsibility, just that you are only in control of yourself.
There is no need to grab your husband and force him to participate at this stage as mentioned. Work through the steps on your own. Read over all of them and reflect on the ones that you can easily apply right away. Be sure to really pay attention to how things are received and keep that progress in mind as you move forward. You can even keep a journal of the improvements and reciprocity shown back to you.
As a women who has been with her husband for over 13 years, #9 has had the biggest impact on improving my marriage and my ability to be a better partner. Lets just say that we do not speak the same language and it took many years to understand this struggle. Good luck!
10 Tips to help improve your marriage:
Grace
When you show grace to your spouse, it's about showing kindness to them even when you feel they don't deserve it.
Grace is going out of your way to show your compassion, kindness and love to them even if they might not appreciate it, or return the favor. It sounds hard, I know. There will be moments when grace is the last thing you can muster up to give to your spouse, but try and keep in mind there will be times when you will need a little grace as well.
What goes around comes around. None of us are perfect, including your spouse so start showing some grace when you can for both of your sakes. A little goes a long way.
Lead By Example
Give all that you have to your spouse. Be the best wife that you can be…really sit and think about what makes a good wife.
Make a list. Now reflect on the areas that you can use some improvement and take intentional steps to improve. Be your best and others including your spouse will see the changes and appreciate what you have done.
I know that when I go out of my way to compliment my husband or do a kind gesture it is always reciprocated or at least there is an awareness of my efforts.
You know that you are giving it your all and can be proud of your role in the marriage. You are setting the standard and your spouse will most likely jump on board to be the best version of a husband for you as well.
Know Your Role In The Mess
It takes two to tango. I have always hated that saying, probably because I have always believed I am right and have no fault ha ha...but in all fairness it is as true as it can get.
When there is an issue or disagreement you always play a role, whether it be partially to blame for the conflict, causing or reacting to a misunderstanding or just simply being in control of your own reaction to the problem.
Develop a self-awareness as to how you react to conflict. Do you become cold and distant, sarcastic, argumentative or passive/aggressive when your partner isn’t giving you want you want or has offended you?
If so, you really need to look deeper into what your role may be in the situation and take accountability. Stop adding fuel to the fire.
You are in control of your own reactions and behaviors and just by improving yourself you can deescalate a bad situation very quickly.
This takes some self reflection and also an understanding of how people, yourself included, react to triggers.
Know your spouses triggers and avoid using them during times of conflict and don’t allow yourself to react to your own.
You Can Only “Fix” Yourself (Self-Improvement)
We teach people how to treat us by how we talk about and treat ourselves.
Start working on yourself and your life will get better, including your marriage.
Work on your health & fitness, your goals & dreams, read, have a positive mindset, learn new skills…be a person of growth and contentment.
The happier & healthier you are the more people will enjoy spending time with you and you will be involved in less conflict.
Happy people don’t fight! With self-development you learn a lot about your self, your priorities, what makes you happy and how you want to live. When you have this clarity it is easier to communicate that to your spouse so you are on the same page.
Happiness comes from within, so project that out to your spouse. Show him how lucky he is to have a catch like you ha ha.
Prepare For The Seasons
Winter and hard times aren’t here forever.
Just like in nature our marriages go through seasons. We have times of great growth, we have lulls and we have times of great struggle.
What you need to remain aware of are these seasons and that there is always another one on the horizon. Hang in there, keep working and spring will always come back once again.
Being aware of the season you are in gives you the hope of a renewed time. Seasons can be influenced by many factors such as the stage in life you are at (newlyweds, parents, empty nesters, retirees), your finances, your health and your goals.
Your job is to identify which season you are experiencing & create a strategy to best withstand the storm and move on to growth.
Remember without winter, spring would never arrive bringing fresh new life. Tend to your marriage like a garden.
During winter start preparing for spring by gathering the tools that you will need, what seeds you will plant to reap the harvest you prefer. Create a plan to build the garden, detail how you will design it, feed it and tend to any weeds & pests that are there to attack all your hard work.
Spring is the time for growth. Coming out of the cold dark months the ground is warming up and you can now start tending to the soil, creating a nourishing and hospitable environment for your beloved plants and then planting the seeds for your abundance.
Summer is the time to maintain what you have built, while enjoying the abundance and beauty that are full of life.
Come fall it is time to harvest & reap what you have sown. The fall is the time to start preparing for winter with preservation and plans to carry forward until your next growing season. You know the struggles that can arise and you are armed to best get through the tough days.
Treat your marriage like a garden and it will grow and provide for you.
Compromise
Compromise comes in all shapes and sizes. It can be as simple as who decides where to go for dinner or as big as deciding on marital long term goals.
It is important that both partners feel listened to and valued. Try not to have one person doing most of the compromising…it needs to go both ways equally. If not, resentment can arise and cause tension & conflict.
Compromise tells your partner that you value their desires and ideas as well as your own. You are finding a win-win balance.
Compromise doesn’t mean giving up on your wants & needs, it is about finding an alternative solution that works for the entire team.
If you are new to compromising start small and you will quickly learn that life is more pleasant when you & your spouse are working together, rather than being stuck and battling it out to get what you each want.
Decision making will become so much easier in the future and you will achieve more of your goals. You can’t reach a goal if you are both puling in different directions, so start working together.
With compromise what you want and what you get may look slightly different.
Here are a few examples of what compromise looks in a marriage:
One spouse dreams of buying a boat and one wants to invest that money in a cottage. The compromise can be…buy the boat and rent out a cottage for a few weeks in the summer…or buy the cottage and rent a boat…or rent both and see which is the best investment for the family and then make a decision.
One spouse (stay-at-home mom) needs more help around the house during the day and the husband is too tired after long hours at work all day to help…possible compromises can be to hire a house cleaner to give mom the break she needs and dad doesn’t need to pick up more work once home….or dad can offer to take on an entire household chore on the weekend to give mom a few hours break then…or mom earns money from home with a part-time venture allowing dad to work fewer hours and be able to participate more in home duties.
There are always multiple solutions/compromises for any situation. Brainstorm, get creative and communicate with each other to come to a happy compromise.
Avoid Resentment
One of the top emotions causing conflict in a marriage is resentment.
According to the dictionary definition resentment is “the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult”.
It is an emotion that we can all identify with at some point in our marriage. It can be as simple as a stay-at-home mom resenting her husband who gets to leave the house all day, or a spouse that brought debt into a marriage and now both are responsible for paying it down.
Whatever it is, you both made choices. If you accepted the terms and then later are unhappy with them don’t resent your partner, resent the scenario and make changes to improve it for yourself.
Resentment is nothing more than blaming your spouse and unjustifiably so.
I felt resentment early on in my stay-at-home mom season. I resented that my husband got to leave the house everyday for work interacting with adults while I was stuck at home with no one to talk to over the age of 4.
Guess what? He didn’t want to be at work dealing with difficult adults or not being free to come and go as he pleased…we were both resentful of the others situation and it caused tension.
Who was to blame? Neither of us. It was the situation for that season that we both needed to accept and make the best of until the new season arrived.
Resentment is a key ingredient to unhappiness.
Replace it with gratitude…be grateful for all the positive aspects of a tough situation. For example: I was blessed to be able to spend so much time with my children at a young age, I was blessed to have time to think and plan what adventures I would take next in my life’s journey and I was blessed to have a partner willing to work hard so that I could solely focus on taking care of my family.
Don’t envy…don’t blame…take full responsibility for all situations you are in because you either made the choice or lack thereof…take the responsibility and be accountable.
Look For The Blessings And Always Be Grateful
The best solution to resentment is being grateful and finding blessings in your marriage and life.
It is simply shifting your mindset from the negative and focusing on the positive. It works magic on your attitude and overall outlook.
Things aren’t always going to be ideal in your marriage and when they are not be intentional & look on the bright side.
If your mind is full of positive thoughts there will be no room for the negative to creep in.
“Though the storm in its fury break today
Crushing hopes that we cherished so dear
Storms and clouds will in time pass away
The sun again will shine bright and clearKeep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us every day, it will brighten all the way
If we keep on the sunny side of lifeLet us greet with a song of hope each day
Though the moments be cloudy or fair
Let us trust in our Savior always
Who will keep everyone in His care”…lyrics by A.P. CarterStart a gratitude journal. Every day write one thing that you are grateful for in your marriage, big or small.
When you are in times of struggle journal about why you married your spouse, what they have blessed you with or even rewrite your wedding vows.
Take time and share it with your spouse. You don’t have to tell them why…just “hey, look what I found today…our wedding vows” and then read it through together…or send a short text thanking them for what you were grateful for that day that they are responsible for.
It doesn’t need to be complicated or over the top…a text saying “thank you for filling up the car with gas so I could drive straight to work” or “thank you for putting the kids to bed last night when I was exhausted on the couch” or “I am so thankful that I am married to a man that likes to sit on the porch and talk with me for hours like you do”.
Just a reminder to him & yourself of all the reasons you married each other and that even through struggle you still see the sunny side of your marriage.
The 5 Love Languages
If you haven’t already read or heard about this book, look it up. Author Dr. Gary Chapman is a marriage counsellor who wrote this book from his experiences working with couples and seeing patterns when it came to giving and receiving love.
It is really insightful and can give you a very different perspective on your spouse and yourself.
He categorized 5 love languages that we all have preferences for when it comes to love: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch.
You will primarily identify with one category, but of course can be a blend.
Be careful not to restrict yourself or your partner with this information though, it is just a concept. Don’t box yourself in by claiming what language you are and then when life changes along with your language feel the lack of love coming in from your spouse.
Life changes, we change and your love language most likely will and the same goes for your spouse.
For instance at this stage in life I am 100% Acts of Service. I have 3 kids at home and a house that reflects that. It is a lot of work to keep up, so Acts of Service are a God send.
When my kids get older on the other hand I won’t value that as much and my language will most likely change…hopefully to receiving gifts, lots and lots of gifts…ha ha.
This concept is great to help you identify your spouses preferred language as well so that you can spend your efforts giving love in a way that is well received.
You can do Acts of Service all day, but if that is not their language it can go unnoticed leaving them feeling a lack of love from you. It will also leave you feeling resentment for the lack of appreciation for all your efforts.
You need to be clear you are giving in a way they receive not the way you receive.
A quick indication of your spouses love language is watching how they show love…do they give gifts or kiss & hug you all the time?
How they show love is most likely how they receive it, unless they are very insightful and/or aware of the concept of the languages.
Another indicator is to listen to what they say…they have most likely already revealed their language to you unknowingly…”why don’t you hug me more or compliment me more”.
Pay attention & change your way of showing them you love them or just spoil each other rotten and practice them all on regular occasions.
Communication Matters
Listen to your husband.
What is he verbally saying and what isn’t he saying to you?
Pay attention to his ques…is he shutting down, being argumentative etc.? What is happening in those moments?
Look for the triggers and avoid hitting them.
Don’t talk over your husband when he is sharing with you. Allow him to finish his thought/concern and acknowledge that you heard him by stating his concerns back to him to clarify you understand.
Don’t assume you are correct about what he meant or what he needs. Trust me this rarely works.
The number one way to pay attention and listen to you spouse is to stay off devices! Avoid or highly limit your usage when your partner is around. You may not realize that they are wanting your attention, it signals that something else has your attention and that you are not valuing the time with them.
Talk to your husband.
Talk about your shared goals, dreams and wishes.
It builds a connection and shared excitement.
Reminisce about the good old days. Nothing brings joy more than bonding over stories that you share together. Talk about when you first met, got married or times you truly had fun being together.
Ask about their day and be truly interested in what they are saying.
Ask about their interests, work, hobbies and their thoughts on life.
Don’t be offended if they don’t reciprocate just yet and ask about your thoughts and how your day was, it will come with time.
Respect your husband.
Don’t say always or never, it implies they are flawed and they will take it very personal.
Don’t blame them for everything wrong in the marriage, as they will most likely shut down.
Don’t fight or call him out in front of others…be a team and solid front.
Don’t insult him, call him names and spare your judgements. Sometimes just let him off the hook.
None of this is to allow someone to treat you poorly or for you to just submit to your husband.
This is a process and in order for there to be reciprocity you need to give something in order to receive.
Be the leader and take the initiative to save the marriage.
If you have a reluctant spouse, just them seeing the effort you are making will/should motivate them to try harder as well…just lead by example.
The worst thing that will happen is you will evolve to be a better person and if nothing changes you know that you put forth your absolute best efforts to save the union.
Marriage takes consistent effort & attention…and a true desire to stay married.
Thanks for reading and I hope that these tips have helped you in some way.
Please share in the comments if you have found success!